Hey folks! I’m starting a new weekly feature called “The List.” It’s going to be a Top 5/10/20/whatever-number-I-feel-like list that will pop up once a week.
I’ll be doing anything from “Top 5 punk albums” to “Top 10 books about music” to “Top 8 Eagles songs that make you want to claw your eyes out.”
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For the inaugural list, here’s the Top 5 Unintentionally Funny Music Videos.
These aren’t from the Foo Fighters or Beastie Boys or Weezer, groups that make music videos that are supposed to make you laugh.
Nope, these ones were supposed to be serious, but end up coming off as ridiculous.
5. “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” by Poison
Weren’t the ’80s awesome? Maybe at the time, but watching this video makes me laugh.
Shots of a mostly-naked Bret Michaels sleeping next to some half-naked woman spliced in with backstage video and Michaels in an empty room playing acoustic guitar with a cowboy hat and aviators on.
I guess the video and song are supposed to show that Poison’s life was really hard, what with the millions of dollars they were making and good looking women they were with. Favorite moment is Michaels getting his ankle wrapped after a failed rock kick from the drum riser. Real rock ‘n roll, buddy.
4. “The Dope Show” by Marilyn Manson
Is this supposed to be freaky or something? The only thing freaky to me is that Marilyn Manson has boobs and apparently no genitalia.
I’m not even sure what the premise for this video is supposed to be. Marilyn-with-boobs gets examined by scientists, then does a press conference in a dress while cops in pink riot gear make out? Yeah, ok.
3. “Video Phone” by Beyonce
She’s trying to look cool and it’s just not working for her. I mean, the song’s pretty laughable by itself, but every time she appears in a new outfit, its just silly. I mean, when Lady Gaga is dressed less ridiculously than you in a video, it’s time to re-evaluate.
The dance moves are straight out of a Paula Abdul video. I started laughing out loud when she shoved her ass in the face of one of those men with camera heads and he kept trying to grab it.
2. “Opposites Attract” by Paula Abdul
Yeah, the one where she dances with the animated cat (his name is MC Skat Kat, if you’re wondering). I guess her “opposite” is an cartoon that can dance.
Coming a year after the live action/cartoon mix of “Who Framed Roger Rabbit,” the video shows Abdul dancing with the cat, rapping with him and wearing everything from a suit to pajamas to some sort of dress/pants combo. What the hell?
On a related note: this video caused MC Skat Kat to go on and release an album. Seriously.
1. “I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)” by Meatloaf
What. The. Hell? It’s not enough that this song is more than seven minutes long, but Meatloaf is some kind of weird vampire? Yeah, sure.
He kills a few cops, creeps through the woods, stalks a hot chick who’s hanging out at his deserted mansion’s fountain, croons from his throne, hides from above-mentioned hot chick when she enters the mansion, creepily stares at her while she sleeps, watches as his vampire maidens sex up the hot girl, smashes mirrors and then runs from the cops with the girl.
Exactly what is it that he “won’t do” for love? Be uncreepy, perhaps? Refrain from sexually assaulting and/or killing people? You got me.